The man who saw tomorrow part 2

Being 24 years old, gay, and in the possession of intellect and some beauty I was able to live out my Northern California dream with some of the best people I would ever know. From the hippies in the Tenderloin to the great California kids I, hung with on every chane I got. I was living free, in a community that was proud and normal; living as "perfect" as one can be void of the interjection,
judgement unburdened by the preconceived notions of "how" and "why" I existed.

I am...

The best thing for a young man coming to terms with his full self was the ease in which all my native Californian friends lived, especially the ones from the Bay area: peole like Paul Monsula Lee, Eric Wong, the beautiful Rob Bennett.

Very much like the straight boys I lived with and befriended in So Cal at the Serano St. House. I guess it will always be that way: the best people in any area you move to will be those who call the place "home"...

They understand were all the bodies are buried so to speak...and how to avoid them. But it is weird here in apital City, all the out of towners avoid the city and its inhabitants. Not that way in SF,LA, or NYC
Anyway...
The majority of my time was to be spent in the company of Golden Gate; unlike ACTUP SF, Golden Gate being home to a majority of HIV+ members meant that were going to make demands and aply if needed the requisite action. Though becaue of this PEREIVED desperation our expediency sometimes worked against the goal of ending AIDS. I always agreed with the politics of SF but the willingness to ACT even in mistake at least fulfilled one of ACTUP's famous mantras: ACTION=LIFE...SILENCE=DEATH! My dream was to merge them both in my ativity at all costs.

Being HIV- and newly out gave me pause at first; I have to disover my role in the group. From August 1991 until mid October I sat back and listened and attended General Body; subsequently I decided to attend "Treatment Issues committee, where I start at the inner circle and work my way out. While waiting for the meeting to start at the Mission Dolores I started chattin up this wild haired ex mid-westerner great guy Matthew. Such a cool guy though with a grim outlook on life in that his past haunted him daily. But unlike many people Matt always wanted to make life better so he deision to join ACTUP was the first thing he did to transform his life he told me, the other was beoming a vegan and going clean and sober. Great guy, but we were not deeply in love to fight for our relationship; seems that when you first join an organization or group the likelihood of a initial romance is very high. And a short relationship is ultimately the result.

But I started out on treatment with him and learned a lot; developing a firm grasp of AIDS treatment issues, science and activism in the time spent. I would advise anyone who becomes an activist to learn all the angles of the issue, espeially when they contradict your own.
This committee was the politburo of our group; this relationship would erk me during my time with the group too. As stalinist as some of the young lefties they hated in ACTUP-SF. Troops for their agenda.

These were great days; even the times when our relationship weakened, and Matt and I relaxed into just friends. I still consider the fall/winter of 1991 and the beginning of 1992 to be some of the fondest memories of my life. Though at that time, I could never have understood how fragile my "life" was nor just how insecure the people and the relationships I was forming actually were in reality. How could I know that they were of convenience and not based upon a strong foundation, one needed for a long lasting relationship.
Alas, that is the bane of youth and innocence; only to be discovered unfortunately through the harsh reality of time...

The strongest and most passionate of these relationships was with Adam Gerics whom I was co-general body representative. What a spitfire of action and beauty. The more we did together the deeper I fell; he had a magnetic personae: a boy valiant, with shadows lurking behind blue eyes.
We first met incidental, a day I inially did not remember. Mathew and I sat inside a cafe on Market st. talking after a meeting. One of those meetings lovers engage in to pass the time in excuse of doing anything else. No longer lovers so you spend time beoming very good friends...
At the tale end of our relationship, Matt's eyes wandered; and on this night it gave me the opportunity to gauge his heart, and ironically a doorway to somone else.
He was eyeing a salt and peppered beefcake sitting behind us.
"You like him, huh", I asked. He nodded, confirming my suspicion and retorted: so who do you find attractive?
I looked around the room shrugged my shoulders and said, "no one here." Then on cue I looked out the window and saw this partially shaved headed blond guy, wearing a long tan trench coat and black combat boots. And without hesitation replied: 'him, I like that guy right there.'
Little did I realize that I was to be re-introduced to him weeks later at Folsom Street Fair; he had been befriended by one of the leaders of our group, Brenda Lien. Matthew reminded me that he was the one I had pointed to that night, and only then did it finally dawn on me.
And to this day, 17 years later he still has a small piece of my heart; though he never got my soul, so my soul mate still awaits.
Though we were never sexual lovers...my connection to him was still great sharing a deep relationship.
To the contradiction of many gay myths, the strongest gay male relationships have very very little to do with sex; I would contend that in many of these relationships sex is rare if at all present. If so it mimics the sex found between a long married couples: rare. I could also contend that it is the failed search for relationship that results in the settling for sex as a substitute, dooming many gay men to loneliness, despair and disease. I noticed this over the years, especially my years working at the "Club".
Anyway, AG was a spitfire...such a good "boy-friend". But he was 18 to my 24 and still stuck on being with women. This inseurity was to haunt our relationship; he could not allow it to develop in ways that I needed instead filling it with his surrogate Electra, Brenda Lien and others to be mentioned later.
Though balancing it considerably was our politcally affinity within the general body; we would bond beyond our shared duties as representatives, but based on comraderie and what I thought also a brotherhood of trust and honor amongst our bond.
Over time he grew over time to trust my political instincts and I relied upon his vigor to keep me confident and active when my own self doubt raised its head.
This unique symbiotic relationship first became tangible during the New Hampshire primaries of February 1992.
Since I had made the bold prediction right after the first Gulf War in March 1991 that Bush would lose re-election, EVERYONE, I would mention this too even days leading up to the election did not believe my prediction. But I did, and I just needed someone else to see it too.
So when Bush puked all over himself during his January visit to Japan, I was given the first omen of what was to come. Then second came a few from the campaign of Pat Buhanan who was halenging Bush from his "right". This nail in Bushs' coffin was to be proudly struck by the conservative base led by the verable "Manhester Union Ledger" the bulwark of Yankee tradiotinalism. At that time independent as the great people of New Hampshire.
Well, I remember watching the primary coverage on a small black and white TV along with Adam at the G.G. workspace, energized by the events unfolding and coming true before my eyes. He turns and asks, "so this means Bush is falling", to which I responded,"yes."
He took my belief and ran with it, making it his too.

It is one thing to believe in something but to have others share it with you makes you and all you believe so empowering and so real...